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Modern-day stress can zap your sex drive. But being intentional about your pleasure can fill you up in more ways than one.

Arianna Jade in leopard body suit

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Are you having junk food sex or gourmet sex?

Junk food sex is half-hearted. You go through the motions, but the experience does not fill you up. (Kinda like that bag of chips.)

Gourmet sex is deeply satisfying. Your body tingles from head to toe, and you’re filled with pleasure.

So, which one are you havin’ more of these days? 

Having more satisfying sexual experiences is sometimes easier said than done. Like most moms, you’re probably so caught up in the rat race that you barely have time to eat lunch, go to the bathroom, and sort out your kids’ Zoom schedule let alone think about your own pleasure. 

The demanding pace of mom life can all too easily lead to stress. And, guess what? Modern-day stress kills desire and sexual arousal.

If you’re ready to take back your sex life, here are five practical strategies to reclaim your pleasure.

Photo credit: Jessica Felicio from Unsplash

1. Own your desires.

Be unapologetic and ask for what you truly want both in and out of the bedroom. 

Do you have a hard time putting your needs on your calendar and creating a life that fills you up? Yes mom guilt is real, but the best way to reduce guilt is by prioritizing your needs and desires. 

Reflect on this prompt: If you could have two two things just for yourself and your pleasure, what would you ask for? 

Your response will give you insight into your deepest desires, so own them!

self love
Photo credit: Anete Lusina from Pexels

2. Practice self-love.

Have you felt like you’re just not comfortable in your body lately? 

Self-criticism and judgment are classic ways to dampen sexual desire. If you hate your body, now is the time to do something radical: Love it. 

Our culture is fixated on thin as the ultimate standard of beauty. As a result many of us are in abusive relationships with our bodies. 

Your body changes over time, so consider what turns you on now in this body. At this age. Give yourself permission to enjoy the body you have now and not the body you dream about 20 pounds from now. This alone is an act of self-love. When you catch yourself being self-critical, simply say “THIS BODY DESERVES PLEASURE NOW.”

You don’t have to fix yourself, lose weight, or do anything outside yourself to create the sex life you dream of having.

date time
Photo credit: Andres Ayrton from Pexels

3. Schedule sex.

Gourmet sex requires a little time and space. 

Sure, you want the kind of spontaneous sex that romcoms are made of, but if you wait for spontaneity, you’ll barely have sex. Stop holding out for that fantasy and, instead, embrace being deliberate and making a plan. 

People resist the suggestion to schedule sex, but again great sex doesn’t just spontaneously happen. It requires a level of intentionality. Scheduling creates the conditions that allow magic to happen. And, if you don’t literally make time for sex, you’ll be occupied with other commitments. 

Make time for sex, even if it’s just, say, every other Friday. While you can’t command yourself to be aroused, if you block out the time, then you can ask yourself in that moment what would feel good right now, in this body. 

couple in bed
Photo credit: Andres Ayrton from Pexels

4. Be intentional with your touch.

Have you been feeling a lack of connection or intimacy with your partner, but you’re not quite sure how to change things?

If the only time you touch for extended periods is during sex, sex can feel transactional, awkward, and disconnected. The quickest and easiest way to reestablish intimacy and connection is through hugging and touching. 

Examples of intentional touch are: 

  • long hugs that allow bellies to connect
  • lying in the dark holding hands before bed or while watching a movie
  • one-minute-long kisses instead of a quick peck on the cheek
  • putting lotion on your partner’s feet or back

These types of sensual affection each have their own benefits, even when they don’t immediately lead to sex. When it’s time for love making, you’ll feel more connected.

Photo credit: Cottonbro from Pexels

5. Tame your bedroom.

Is your bedroom multi-tasking as an office or a catch-all space? 

Are you surrounded by overstuffed closets, mail on your dresser, toys on top of the hamper, and have no idea where to start to create some sacred space? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Take a look around your bedroom and consider if the space feels like a sanctuary where you can decompress and melt into your pleasure. Or maybe your bedroom needs freshening up with new pillows, linens.

It’s time to take your sex life to the next level and makeover your bedroom. Claim the bedroom as your erotic space to play and explore.

The truth is you can reclaim your body and your sex life—even as a mom! All it takes is a shift in mindset and a few lifestyle tweaks.

By following these five tips, you’ll be full from all the deeply satisfying gourmet sex you’re now able to have. 

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Tosh Patterson is a Maryland-based speaker, author, and coach. She’s known as “The Simplicity Expert” who teaches busy professional women how to simplify life, work less, and travel more. She’s an aspiring minimalist with serious wanderlust.


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